Ask Miss Marmas

Q: My partner is always telling me to lose weight or change things about my appearance and it's getting me down. I don't feel good about myself and I need them to stop. What do I do?

A: Start by communicating how this is making you feel. They may think they're being helpful and trying to motivate you, unaware of how they're impacting your feelings. But if they don't accept you, this can damage your sense of self and needs to be addressed. Tell them what you need from them to feel supported and loved. Remind them that respecting each other is an essential building block for any healthy relationship.

If in this process you feel unheard, you may need to discuss why they need you to meet their tick list of how they want you to look. And if they shut you down or dismiss you, it might be time to review your compatibility and what you are getting from the relationship.

Love must run deeper than looks alone to be healthy.

Q: I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't want to see my friends or go out anywhere at the moment and it's really unlike me. What's going on?

A: let me start by saying that I've been there myself. Our reasons may be different, but I think a checklist of questions that I used for self enquiry might be useful for you to understand what's going on for you. Remember, though, sometimes we are just expending our energy in too many directions. When we are exhausted, our body will ask us to stop and rest to avoid burnout and we must listen and obey.

But let's see if I can help you to dig a little deeper: 

- What is currently using a lot of your energy? Exams, childcare, a job, a complex relationship, etc.

-What difficulties are playing on your mind often?

Not feeling good enough, money worries, partner deceit or abuse (however subtle), etc.

- What in your life is overwhelming you?

A big transition, feeling out of control, someone taking over, too many new things at once, etc.

-What are the things you can control to help your situation?

-What one thing can you do for yourself to find a sense of peace and grounding?

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Sometimes rest is best, sometimes you need to lighten your load.

Q: It's not very often I do something for myself because I feel guilty. But my life is just my job and children, and I want more.

A: When our default setting is to do for others, it quickly becomes our norm and can feel strange when we want to break away from it. But the norm and what feels comfortable isn't for the best if it's making you feel unfulfilled. Consider also if it's always guilt that you feel. It may actually be anxiety about doing something different or fearing the consequences of what others might think. But you needn't feel guilty even if that is at the crux of what's going on for you. As a caregiver, you can only give with the energy you have. If you only give, but never receive, how will you keep going?

I encourage you to consider doing things for yourself to fill your energy reserves to give better to others. And when you give yourself something, remember what a treat really means to you. It doesn't have to be about indulgent food or a bucket load of booze. Start small to begin with by taking time away just for you and spend it any way you wish. Consider also the need to ask. When we carry guilt, we can often feel the need to ask for permission, but as an adult, empower yourself to inform instead.

Tell people what you are going to do for yourself and delight in it. 

Ask Miss Marmas to answer your concerns and she'll share them here as others will be going through the same thing too.

There is strength in seeking support

She'll do all that she can to help you on your way.